I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.