I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.