We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.