We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.