We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.