Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.