Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

All mothers are working mothers.