The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.