The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.