Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.