Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.