The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.