The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.