The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.