I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.