I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.