I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.