I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.