Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.