Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.