Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.