Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.