Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.