Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.