My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.