My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.