Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.