Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.