Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.