I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.