I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.