I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.