I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.