This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.