This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.