Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

self-pity is better than none.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.