Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.