Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.