Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.