I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.