There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.