There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.