Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!