I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.