You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.