Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.