It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.