When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.