When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.