When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.