My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.