It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.