It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.