Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.