Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.