Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.