I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.