I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.