I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.