I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.