I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!