If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

All mothers are working mothers.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.