Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.