My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.