My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

self-pity is better than none.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.