My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.