I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.