I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.