I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.