[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'