When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.