Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.