Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.