Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.