Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.