Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.