Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.