get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.