get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.