get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.