I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.