If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.