If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.