I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?