I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.