I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.