[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.