[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!