[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!