My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.