My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.