My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.