One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.