My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.