My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.