Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!