Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.