My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.