My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.