When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.