When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.