When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.