When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.