When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.